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weirdest friendship I've ever had

More than halfway through the performances of the musical I'm in right now, so I've barely been home let alone online. But this needs to be recorded before it changes any more dramatically.

So last Thursday (night before opening night) I decided to be honest with him and tell him it's not fair to enjoy my affections for him if he doesn't return them. That was an awkward conversation. Without going into too much detail, he was remorseful and regretful for having lead me on. He said he finds me attractive but isn't "attracted" to me. Quote: "It wasn't fair to be so intimate with you when I knew you were more attracted to me than I am to you." I was like, ouch. But we agreed we wouldn't be any less affectionate too each other, as I said I didn't have a problem with that now that I knew where we stood.

Friday I was pissed off because I felt like I've been unattractive to him this whole time. Opening night was amazing, I was barely nervous, probably because I was more pre-occupied with that disappointing conversation.

Saturday I was less pissed off and just excited about the show.

And then everyone got drunk.

Long story short, he and I ended up making out after the party as we were walking home. I think I actually cornered him into it, as he was trying to fend me off by saying it was a bad idea since he is attracted to me but thinks due to clashing personalities a relationship would be a bad idea. At this stage I just wanted to know that he WANTED to kiss me, so said I didn't care for a relationship either. It's not exactly a lie. So I used my drunken logic to talk our way around every obstacle to having a bit of a kiss, and he caved, and it escalated.

We ended up at his house making out on the sofa and him removing as many items of my clothing as I would allow (which wasn't much, I stayed in my singlet top, although he did sneakily undo my bra at one point, a point which I rectified). He suggested several times that I go to his room, but I kept declining of course. Eventually I left at about 5:30.

Then we had two days off performing, so didn't see each other. Tuesday, when we did, absolutely no awkwardness. We sort of hintingly acknowledged what had been going on. Wednesday, slightly more acknowledgement, slightly more flirting.

Thursday, today, went over to his place to watch a DVD. Cuddled the whole time. Then after, kissed on his sofa until I said (many times) that we should really go out to get dinner before performing.

Then spent the entire show when not on stage actively seeking out opportunities to sneak out of the green room and make out, mostly in the wings during scenes that didn't involve us. At one point with him wearing his venetian half mask that's a costume item. THAT was hot. Then made out again in the dressing room after everyone else he left.

But what the fuck are we doing exactly? Clearly we're not a couple, but obviously not friends with benefits either. I'm not sure what he expects. He doesn't exactly keep his hands to himself. Not that I'm objecting. It's hot. But he probably has no idea I'm a virgin. I don't want to bring it up, because I don't want to imply that I thought we were going to do anything like that. Because so far it's just making out. Making out and grinding. On stage, behind the curtain, during music and dialogue.

Oh theatre.
If a guy and a girl spend a whole night spooning in a single bed, pressed up against each other from knees to shoulders, can that reasonably fall under the category of "platonic friendly" behaviour?

I need a ruling on this.

Particularly since it's now production week, everyone's living in each other's pockets, and the chemistry between this guy and I is apparently so hot and so obvious that the entire cast is gossiping about us. One rumour would even have it that he and I slept together on Monday night.

The confusion lies in his continued spiel about how he is typically affectionate to female friends. But seriously, he is not only affectionate, he is flirtatious, suggestive, and he acts like a boyfriend. I'm so confused.
With all these rehearsals, I am barely home, let alone on the computer! I'm not sure if this is a good or a bad thing. It's certainly made me behind on messages/comments/livejournal/emails. (Wow, emails came last into my mind. Times really have changed.)

So, the latest on Nice Guy. Our friendly behaviour has prompted a lot of cast-wide gossip in both shows that we're in. This gossip tends to come to the fore when everyone's in a bar after rehearsal kicking back over several drinks. To tell the truth, I like it. It means I'm not alone in thinking we are behaving more than friendly. (Or, it means that people have trouble grasping that a girl and guy can be more than friends, but seriously, I'm having trouble grasping that myself considering the attraction I feel towards him.)

Conversation between me and the stage manager:

"Pretty much what I've heard from everyone I've heard talking about you two is that everyone thinks you're going to hook up."
"So who's been talking about us?"
"... everyone."
"Oh, I hadn't heard anything like that."
"Yes, that's how it works."

And also, can't really blame people for talking since he and I were cuddling on a sofa this evening. OH IT WAS SO LOVELY. I very subtly hinted that I'd like to lean my head against something, and he promptly put his arm and me and drew me to his shoulder and then spent a while softly stroking my head to soothe my "headache". (Okay, I lied about having a headache.) When not doing that, he had a firm grip on my shoulder and would occasionally pull me against him if I shifted away from him at any time. Meanwhile, everyone else did what people do and gradually drew away from us and group together just nearby, occasionally casting us questioning looks and the odd "love huddle" comment.

Then we left together (oh yes rumour mill, have fun with that!), started walking home, a horribly cold and strong wind sprang up and he took my arm, which was adorable. He did drop it a while later when the wind settled down. Tearface. Not long after, a car pulled up and it was some friends we'd left at the bar who thought we looked cold and drove us to our respective homes.

I don't want to think too carefully about the evening in case I start remember things that contribute to my conviction that he's not actually attracted to me at all. Although, when a girl told me I have great legs and should get them out more, he agreed and made two comments on how nice my legs look. Yay?

EDIT: Oh and I totally forgot to mention that the other night he invited me to sleep over after rehearsal just so I could taste his sister's amazing pancakes in the morning. We stayed up late talking and then I slept on an incredibly uncomfortable futon in the spare room. The end. Friendzone. Fml.

Gah gah gah

I went to his house before rehearsal today. It had gotten slightly chilly by the time we headed out, so he lent me his coat. We had a lovely walk there, chatted there when we had the chance, and then had an equally lovely walk back, and never ran out of things to talk about. Then I came home in his coat. We're meeting up for lunch with a friend of his tomorrow. I can't wait. His coat smells of him, and it's lovely. I don't want to return it.

God, I hate myself right now.
I have comments I need to reply to, but for now I just need to vent a little in a post.

I'm SO confused over this guy. (Nice Guy.)

I was pretty sure we were flirting with each other, and that I couldn't possibly be misinterpreting him.

HOWEVER. The other night at rehearsal we were talking about twitter and how great it is, and he started telling me, "Yeah, I can flirt with impressionable young women," and started talking to me about this girl he's been flirting with lately.

So I pretty much died of embarrassment and jealousy, and angsted for the rest of the evening. I was sort of cold and awkward towards him too, mainly because I couldn't think of anything to say as he talked about his flirting escapades.

Two days later (today) we were at another rehearsal, talking again, and I found an opening to tell him that hearing about him flirting with girls had made me jealous. I actually told him that! It sort of came off as more of a joke than I'd intended, and he laughed, and I thought he hadn't thought anything of it, but it did come up again later.

We were released from rehearsal early and ended up spending the rest of the afternoon and then the evening together. And we get along ridiculously well! He actually said himself that he'd found it interesting to notice that we mirror each other's body language, and how it's because we get along so well, and how nice it is. Gahh gahh gahh but I don't know if he can tell that I fancy him. I think I've made it clear enough, with my "jealous" comment.

A couple of times I brought up that girl he'd mentioned a couple of nights ago, although referring to her as "whatshername" with a slightly cold tone with I did not intend, cringe. Each time this happened I saw him give me an amused look before telling me her name first name (let's call her Claire), and then watching me curiously as I struggled to unclench my jaw and give him a genuine smile. (Oh jeez, why do I get so jealous?)

When we got to his house, his sister looked vaguely suspicious, as it's the second time I've been with him at their house. (She is also a friend of mine, sort of. She lends me manga but we haven't really hung out that much.) He took me to the spare room where his computer is, and was putting some stuff on my external drive. After a while his sister came downstairs very loudly, knocked very loudly, and then came in and said "Well at least you're both full clothed." Then proceeded to give him a hard time about times he has seduced her friends in the past. I wasn't surprised to hear this as he's been very forthcoming about his sexual history (not that I asked, he just likes to overshare, at least in the past couple of days). But it was a little awkward. The kind of awkward I enjoy. :P

What else of note...

Later we were alone in the living room, and somehow I brought up that girl again. (Why did I keep doing that, GEEZ.) I think I was going to ask him whether he flirts with her because he's interested in her, or if it's just for fun? But I was determined not to call her, "whatshername" again, so I tried to say, "Claire" but somehow choked on the name. He looked amused again and said, "Yes, Claire" and we had this conversation:

Me: Well, I didn't call her whatshername!
Him: Yeah... you did say that rather dismissively before.
Me: I just didn't remember her name.
Him: You also said that me flirting with her made you jealous.

(On one hand, slightly embarrassed that he'd bring that up, on the other, relieved that it hadn't just gone over his head.)

Me: *looking everywhere but him* Yeah.... well yeah.
*silence while I looked around, then looked back to find him staring at me, looking vaguely amused and curious*
Me: But you laughed about it.
Him: Actually, I told you that I tend to flirt with a lot of people, and it's not intentional.

(And is that meant to make me less jealous? I guess he's telling me he's not flirting with her with an eye to dating her, but also that applies to me. Uck.)

Me: So is there anyone you flirt with intentionally?
Him: Right now? No, not really.
Me: Right.
Him: Actually she and I did have a talk, because we were trying to work out if we liked each other. It was a good talk. But we decided to stay friends. I just got out of a relationship so I'm taking a break from all that.

SO. I think he'd have to be an idiot not to realise that I like him at least a bit. Since he's acknowledged that his flirting with other girls makes me jealous. He's also established that any flirting he may do is NOT intentional and NOT about dating anyone. Furthermore, he's got a girl he likes and who likes him back, with whom he agreed to put off a relationship until he's had some time being single. So I guess that makes her next in line? Damn it, I want to be next in line! Forget that girl, whateverhernameis!

So he MUST know I like him, but he doesn't shy away from physical contact, if anything he goes for more of it. He touches me, he sits so close to me that we're touching, he talks to me in a lowered voice which feels deliciously intimate, and I totally saw him glancing at my mouth when we were talking.


So embarrassed to have written this post. Oh well. It's for prosperity. :P

In other news, this morning I woke up three hours before my alarm, after only four hours sleep, and couldn't get back to sleep. I got out of bed and WENT FOR A JOG. I don't know who I am anymore.


♥ Comment with LOVE ME (Or anything really to indicate you want me to interview you.)
♥ I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
♥ Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
♥ Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.

countess_mina asked me:

1. If there was fire in the house and you could take just one thing from your room what would it be?

Tricky! Probably my laptop, because on it is all my photos from my late teens, university years, and the time in lived in France. That's a bit of an easy choice because it holds so much in just one small object. If I had to make a tougher choice, then it would be a ceramic plate my first boyfriend made me when I was 15. It's the most unique gift I've gotten that could not possibly be replaced.
Oh no, I just remembered my Slytherin tie which I had autographed by Tom Felton! Ahhh, can't choose!

2. If you could marry anyone who would it be?

Again, a REALLY hard question. Are we talking about people we know personally? If the question was, "If you HAD to marry someone right now, who would it be?" then I would have said my best friend Sam, because we're really close. Or at least, we WERE really close. Now maybe I wouldn't say him. Oh wow, I'm really sucking at answering these questions.

If it was famous people, then I'd totally marry Tom Felton. He seems to be a really lovely person in real life, and a great husband-type. Plus he's rich and successful, not to mention gorgeous! Too bad he'd probably get over his girlfriend Jade.

3. Which Walt Disney movie you love the most and why?

Right now I'm thinking Tarzan. And not just because the female lead has an awesome name :D Seriously though, Jane rocks, she cracks me up. And it's a very romantic movie with basically no romantic dialogue. Just the simple moments of Jane and Tarzan putting their hands together have sometimes moved me to tears.

4. When you were a child what did you want to be when you grow up? Will it/Did it come true?

I wanted to be an astro-physicist and travel to space! And NO WAY will it ever come true, haha! I thought I liked science as a child because I had a fascination with the unknown. And I still do, but I can't stand the numbers/physics/chemicals side of it. I lost patience with science at school when it becamse less about blowing things up and more about crunching numbers. It didn't mean anything to me.

But if the Doctor came to me in his TARDIS I would drop everything and go with him in a heartbeat. :D

5. How many siblings do you have?

I have four. An older full sister, an older full brother, a younger half brother and a younger half sister. But I grew up mostly without any of them, so although I have a bunch of siblings who I love, I tend to think like an only child.

Thanks for the great questions! Now, you lot, prompt me for questions in the comments!


Could someone please read this, or at least even a little bit, or even just the subject line, and give me an opinion? I know it's long so I don't expect anyone to read all of it. :P

Last night was the after party for the Magic Flute cast, crew and orchestra. Unfortunately, hardly anyone showed up. That was embarrassing because the producer had booked out an entire pub for 100 people, haha. Awkward. It was still a good evening though. Those of us who went (probably about 30) made the most of it and a lot of gossip went on. Highlight for me was talking about Chopin with Hot Pianist (who is obsessed with Chopin) and about Chopin's vocal music. I want sheet music and he's going to hook me up, then I'll sing, he'll play, and we'll jam. Oh yes.

Could someone tell me why I find it so much easier to flirt with guys who already have girlfriends?

I have a theory. They're not confusing. You know that it won't come to anything. And you can't come across as too keen, because they know that you know they have a girlfriend, so everything you do is interpreted as friendly, and it's not embarrassing.

So at the other end of the spectrum from Hot Pianist is Nice Guy. (Did I mention Nice Guy? He's from another show I'm doing. Actually, two other shows.) As of about three weeks ago, I thought he was showing an interest. Which, damn it, made me show interest. He'd been teaching me to juggle in spare moments at rehearsals, and I'm pretty sure he was flirting, he randomly bought me a set of juggling balls so I could practice at home, and he talked about me going over to his house to hang out. Then, he got sick. Like really sick, horrific mind numbing flu turned lung infection turned can't go up stairs without getting short of breath sort of sick.. So this put him out of action for the odd rehearsal, and at the ones he's been to he's been looking like death warmed up. He's sweet as always though. He was incredibly lovely when I arrived at a rehearsal in a sad mood because I was falling out with one of my best friends over text (that's another story, ugh, so angry at that girl). He stood close to me so I could lower my voice and gave me advice and then gave me a really long, tender hug. But I can't tell if he's still flirting.

This sounds terribly selfish. He's been really sick and yet I'm just beating myself up over whether he's into me or not. Lame. Let the poor guy recover already!

Last week he DID suggest that we get together for some extra practice of our music before an evening rehearsal. Sadly, the day we were going to do that, he was getting sicker and had to miss that practice and the next night's as well. Then on Saturday, when we had an afternoon rehearsal, he texted asking if I wanted to come over, and I said I would, but I didn't manage to because I'd already slept in and by the time I'd had breakfast and a shower, going to his house would have made both of us late.

We're postponing it again until Wednesday. But I dedicated a bit of hesitancy when I asked about that. He mentioned how hard it's going to be to have all the music memorised by Wednesday, I said "Well we could meet up and test each other on it" you know, how we'd been trying to meet up in order to do. But he hestitated for AGES and then said "If you'd like." Well of course I'd like! Wasn't it his idea? Why the hesitancy? Why does it even bother me?

Okay, that's enough indignity.

EDIT: I just went through my recent entries, and I noticed that Piano Hands is now called Hot Pianist. They are one and the same, but not to be confused with Nice Guy.


I just graduated from University! Woo! Then I spent a fortune on a nice frame to put my certificate in, and also my order for the graduation DVD. THEN I went out for some drinkies with my friends Nic and Jeremy, who I went to school with and have known since I was 13/14. They also graduated this weekend, although in completely different degrees from me. But it was really good to share it with them. Especially since I didn't expect to be graduating with anyone I knew, since it's mid-year and PSSHHH who graduates mid-year?

So does this mean I have to start acting like a proper grown up? Because right now I'm unemployed, but have been in a few amateur productions. Perhaps this makes my job description "Starving Artist"?


Advice please

So, how do I tell my friend that I can't go to her wedding in January because I'll be going to a choral music workshop?


Vote for Jace!

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